


Behind Silence and Solitude

by MistressOfCobblepot



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Angst, Negan Being Negan, Polygamy, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Teasing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2017-02-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 20:57:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8683084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressOfCobblepot/pseuds/MistressOfCobblepot
Summary: At the feet of Negan, you’re begging for your life, hoping you won’t end up like your dead friends beside you. But you could never in your life imagine Negan’s plan for you…





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Negan fic and also my first time writing outside of Gotham and DC. So I would greatly appreciate your feedback. I've been a great fan of TWD since the beginning and my love/hate feelings towards Negan inspired me to write this :) 
> 
> Also, depending on the response, I'm thinking about adding more chapters.

Negan was an evil man. He was a monster, more so than the monsters walking the earth. You knew this, of course, you did. You knew it first hand when he killed your friends in front of you, and you were begging, pleading on your knees on the dirty ground as you stared at Lucille that swung so skillfully in his hands. But that didn’t stop you from wanting him nevertheless; it didn’t keep you from lusting after his torturous touch.

It had been a cold evening yesterday when you had faced the infamous Negan for the first time. The blood that covered the thorn surface of the bat belonged to the only two people you trusted in the past year, and now your were alone in this hell called earth. So you begged at his feet, pleaded for him not to kill you, or even worse, leave you alone to mend yourself. You knew it was impossible to survive on your own, so you asked if there was something you could do for him to spare your life.

Negan smirked as he slowly browsed your kneeling form and his tongue flicked out to glide over his teeth as he chuckled. You sure were a pretty little thing, and he knew the perfect way for you to pay your dues. 

Slowly, he crouched down in front of you and leaned against his bat as his piercing orbs wandered your body. You didn’t dare to look at him; he was practically oozing with dominance, causing you to keep your head bowed and your tear filled eyes flickered over to the bodies of your friends still laying beside you. Negan seized your jaw in a tight grip with his large hand, forcing you to meet his intense gaze and you whimpered. At that moment you couldn`t breathe, your heart couldn’t beat, all your body had the strength for was to tremble in fear. 

“What’s your name, girl?” he asked while his gaze dropped to your trembling lips and a smirk spread across his face. 

“Y/N,” you whispered in terror, your big eyes fluttering as his fiery gaze pierced through you.  

“Well, Y/N, I think I can find a use or two for you,” he said with a broad grin underneath his black and white beard, before releasing your jaw and pulling you up with him by grabbing your arm. You gasped and stared frighteningly into his eyes when he pulled you close to his body, your breasts pushing against his chest and you couldn’t help but think how firm his body felt against yours. His tongue flicked out between his teeth as his wicked glare dropped to your cleavage that formed under the hem of your tank top as he pressed you against him. Then you noticed the hardness that pressed against your belly and a heat flooded your body, making you blush in shame over your body’s weakness.

Stop it, girl; he just murdered your friends in cold blood!!

“There are fucking rules here; that has to be followed. You can’t keep doing your shit anymore. This is my world now,” he prompted, “Do you understand that, girl?”

Speechless and numbed you could only stare into his mesmerizing light brown orbs, and he sighed as he rolled his eyes.

“Now, don’t you fucking make me repeat myself again after this. Do. You. Understand?”

Quickly, you nodded, and he smiled widely, “See how easy peasy things can be? If you only do as you’re fucking told, then we’ll have no goddamn problem!”

You bit your lip and held back your tears as he took you to one of his cars, placing you in the front seat. Negan whistled and swung his bat as he rounded the car to take his place behind the wheels. As he drove off, your gaze lingered on the dead bodies of your friends and the walkers slowly approaching them.

That was the day that everything changed, the last time in your life that you ever felt like yourself.

  


***

For a moment you had forgotten all about the events that took place the previous evening, but it all came back to you when your eyes fluttered open, and you browsed your surroundings as you sat up. Your heart raced wildly when you realized you were sitting on a couch in an apartment and couldn’t for your life remember that you fell asleep there. The last images imprinted in your mind was the dark forest flashing by as you stared emotionlessly through the car window.

That very same emotionless state filled your entire being right now. Well, filled wasn’t the right word, exactly. There was an emptiness inside your heart, a darkness that slowly devoured you when you came to realize that this was how life would be from now on. Living only for Negan, with your life in his deadly grasp where your voice didn’t matter no more. Regret washed over you in an instant, making you nauseous, regret over that you didn’t let Negan kill you as well and your hand flew up to cover your mouth.

“So, she has awakened?” A dark voice came from behind you and you froze. You would recognize that voice anywhere, and suddenly you forgot how to breathe.

“You know, Princess. This isn’t some shitty fairy tale where little princesses can sleep all day long, you all have to pay your fucking dues around here.” Negan declared, and the heavy footsteps of his boots echoed through the room as he approached you. With widened eyes, you stared up at him when he stopped in front of you, and you met his brown gaze that twinkled mischievously.

“I-I`m sorry, sir, I just…” you stuttered, and to your horror, you felt your cheeks burn brightly. This was wrong! You being here, feeling the way you did around this murdering asshole, it was all so very wrong! But then again, this whole world was wrong now, and nothing would ever be right again.

“That`s alright,” he chuckled, his eyes sparkling with amusement over your embarrassment. “It`s your first day here, so I’ll let it pass. For this time.”

You smiled weary and gave a slight nod, “Thank you, sir,” you whispered, thinking it was best to be as polite as possible. After all, you had seen first hand what he could do when he was angry or felt disrespected. Negan smirked as he settled down next to you, and instinctively you wrapped the blanket you slept under tighter around your body. He was staring so intensely at you and your eyes flickered when you were unable to look back at him.

Why was he staring like that?

Negan placed his hand on your thigh, and you gasped, goosebumps prickling your skin and you tensed as your gaze never averted from his hand. “Just remember, princess, don’t you ever fucking disobey me,” he squeezed your thigh hard and leaned his body against yours as he murmured in your ear, “You know what happens if you do, right?”

His chest that pressed against your arm left you with a heat inside your lower belly and you nodded quickly,  biting down on your lip as you held back your tears, ashamed of what his closeness was doing to your body.  

“Good!” he beamed happily, and you jolted at the way his moods switched so abruptly. “Now, how about you freshen up a bit and put on some new clothes. You can use my shower.” Negan patted your thigh and nodded towards a door behind him.

Your eyes widened. “T-This is your place?”

You couldn`t believe you had slept in his place! On his couch!!

“Yes, and now it`s yours too,” he expressed as he stood up and walked over to the conjoined kitchen where he grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee.

All you could do was stare at him, your mouth closing and opening a few times before you were able to speak again, “What?! W-What do you mean?”

Negan smiled and leaned his arm against the kitchen counter as his brown orbs studied you thoroughly, “Remember I said I would find a use for you?”

Of course, you remembered! How could you ever forget?!

“Yes,” you answered cautiously as you looked him over, your gaze lingering on his charming smile. You had a feeling this was heading somewhere very dangerously.

He took a sip from his coffee before he continued, “You will live here as my wife.”

All you could do was stare at him. You couldn’t believe what you just heard. He had to be kidding! Right?…

“Y-You can’t be serious?…” you said breathlessly and shook your head.

“Oh, honey. I`m always serious.” Negan chuckled and gave you a wink. Your gaze dropped to your hands that started shaking violently and suddenly the air became too thick to breathe, your lungs desperately clutching for air.  
This wasn’t happening! This all had to be a terrible nightmare?! So why didn’t you wake up when you pinched your arm?

“Now, princess, go and get that shower before we head out to get you your assignment,” he ordered.

Your gaze lifted from the floor on which you had stared at for what felt like an eternity and fell upon him again. A million thoughts ran through your head. What on earth were you going to do? What could you do? What was the point? To resist? There would only be one outcome for you if you did. So you simply nodded and rose up from the couch, slowly walking with heavy footsteps towards the bathroom.

Negan watched as you walked away and he smiled victoriously as his gaze lingered on your pretty, little ass in those tight and worn out jeans you were wearing. Yes, you sure would make a damn good wife, he thought, and his dick was already hard, thinking about the things he was going to do to you.

You locked the door behind you and closed your eyes as you took a deep breath while leaning your head against the hard surface. His wife?! HIS WIFE?!! How the hell did you end up in this mess?

_“The day this fucking world ended, you asshat!”_

Shaking your head, you laughed darkly and stripped out of your clothes. Despite the dark heaviness in your heart, there wasn’t much you could do but laugh. It was the only good thing you had left in the world, even if it was an ambiguous one.

After a quick shower, you dried up and wrapped the towel around your naked body before picking up the clothes that been left for you. A deep frown knitted your eyebrows when you skimmed the very short and tight, black dress and not to mention the very sexy, and very see-through lace underwear.

Seriously?! Were you supposed to wear this? You growled and clenched your fists around the clothes.

That was it!

Furiously, you stormed out of there and tossed the clothes on the floor in front of a surprised looking Negan.

“If you think I’m going to wear that, you’re gravely mistaken, Negan!” Your chest was heaving rapidly, and your fiery eyes gazed straight into his. Somehow, you had forgotten how to be scared. All that scorched through your veins was anger and fury.

At first, Negan stared quite baffled at you before he chuckled lowly, “Well, well. Aren’t you a feisty little one.”

As quickly as a snake, he was in front of you, forcefully grabbing your jaw and you whimpered as he forced your head up.

“You know, I like a little fire in my girls. It only means I get to tame them and there is nothing more satisfying than that.” Negan let out a growl as his lips brushed across your exposed collar bone and you shuddered at the tingling sensation of his beard. The feeling of your arousal throbbing between your legs caused a heat to surge through you and in that moment you knew you wanted him, desired him more than any man before.

Oh God! What was wrong with you?!!

Negan stopped his sweet torture on your skin; you released a small moan of despair, and he chuckled softly as he settled down on the couch.

“Take that off.” He motioned towards the towel, and you blushed, still with a bit of resistance inside of you. 

Negan tilted his head, slowly raising an eyebrow, “What the fuck did I say about repeating myself?”

The little resistance you had disappeared with the images of your dead friends flashing before you and not to mention the heat lingering on between your legs. Swiftly, you felt yourself surrender to him, to his dominant nature. You reached for the hem of your towel and let it fall while your gaze was fixed on the floor. Blushingly, you chewed on your lip and couldn’t help but to raise your head to meet Negan’s predatory gaze.

“Well, well, well,” he murmured hoarsely as his hungry eyes roamed your naked flesh, taking particular notice of your nice tits with its hard nipples and his cock hardened instantly. “Oh my goodness! Look at you, my hot little future wife!! You sure are a fine piece of meat.”

His words caused the most shameful arousal to rush through your body and pool in the pit of your stomach. It made your knees weak and almost impossible to remain standing. You watched with widened eyes as Negan unzipped his pants and stared breathlessly as he pulled out his hard and veiny cock which throbbed in his fisting hand.

“C’mon Princess. I think you know what to do,” he urged, his voice drenched in a husky tone as he tossed his rigid length while smirking devilishly.

A moment of confusion made you frown and Negan grumbled in irritation, “Do not make me have to ask.”

The dominance in his tone made you quiver in an unexpected want, and suddenly you found yourself on the floor between his parted legs with your hands on his jeans covered thighs and your pretty eyes gazing up at him.

“That’s my good little girl.” Negan flashed you a smug grin as he pressed his cock against your lips and they parted instantly, your tongue snaking out to twirl around his cockhead. He groaned, his face tight, muscles straining and then, with a loud cry of relief; he buried himself in your mouth.

“fffffuuck.” Negan’s head dropped back on the couch, his lips slightly parted. “Oh, damn girl! Your mouth is fucking heaven!”

A pleased smirk couldn’t help but twitch in the corner of your mouth as you worked at him expertly, tongue swirling and sweeping around the head, your mouth automatically sucking and pulling at his shaft.

Negan took control, fists in your hair, and began fucking in and out of your mouth as roughly as he would your pussy. Your lips sagged open wider, throat relaxing, and he lost himself in the sensation of your hot, wet mouth. He pushed forward as far as he could, aiming for your tight throat. You leaned forward to accommodate him, working hard, your throat and cheeks reverberating with every sweet moan as your soaked cunt ached violently. It was strange, but all you wanted in that very moment was to please him. Not because he forced you into submission. No, at some depraved level you wanted this.  

The feeling of the tip of his cock broaching that curve when your mouth became your throat made his balls tighten. He was so close. So fucking close…

“Oh fuck, girl! I’m gonna cum down your tight little throat,” he grunted. His words scorched your body with another hot wave, and you moaned around his girth when your pussy clenched desperately for release, your mouth opening and relaxing obediently.    
Negan could hear the tension in your tone, the tightening, pleading whine that signaled your much-needed climax and he grinned as he licked his lips. He fucked faster and faster, using you, forcing you to open to him, to accept his fucking however he chose to give it to you. Your tongue wiggled wetly under his cock, coaxing him, begging silently for his hot cum and you were practically screaming as you choked on his cock.

“Damn girl! Fucking hell, look at you! How pretty you look with my cock buried deep down your throat!” It sure was a sight to behold, your entire, beautiful mouth tensing and relaxing with every delicious thrust. Your moans became lower, throatier, far less self-aware and your eyes popped open to lock with his, delirious and hazy. Tears were spilling down your cheeks as you stared up at him reverently, cheeks darker with blood, eyes wet and wide and wonderful.

“Get ready for your treat, Princess,” he murmured throatily before trusting once, twice, gritting his teeth, then burying himself deep in your throat as spurt after spurt of hot cum poured from him and you greedily swallowed every abundant that shot down your throat.

“Oh, you’re gonna make one hell of a hot wife,” he breathed while you both held one another in the moment, you with his cock in your mouth, him with his hands wrapped around your head. He slowly, achingly pulled away from the warm sheath of your throat, letting you breathe. You coughed and took several deep breaths as his cock, utterly satisfied, plopped out of your mouth, leaving a little splash of cum on your chin. He wiped it off with his thumb, then forced his thumb into your mouth, making you clean him.

You sucked on his thumb and started to whine.

“Aww, what’s the matter, baby?” he mocked as he pulled out his thumb.

“Please, Negan…I need to cum,” you begged, still breathless from his onslaught on your throat. Negan only tilted his head back as he laughed out loud and zipped up his pants.

“Oh, Princess, you have to earn that.” He rose up from the couch, and your gaze followed him as you remained kneeling down. “First of all, you can start by calling me, sir. Then put on those fucking clothes I’ve chosen for you to wear!”

“Yes sir,” you whispered and stood up on trembling legs, still in desperate need for release as you started to dress, all while Negan’s brown orbs fixated on you. When you finished, and you were following him through the corridor with your head bowed to the floor, you wished nothing more than for him to push you against the wall and fuck you mercilessly.

You were lost to his dominance, floating on the waves of submission and you knew you would come begging back for more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan introduce you to some unexpected people and you realize living with him might be even harder than you could imagine.

The moment your eyes opened, and you stared up onto the ceiling, you tried to convince yourself that this was all some horrible and terrifying nightmare, made up by your screwed up brain. But the weight of Negan’s arm slumped over your waist was all too real to be anything less than that. You glanced over at him where he laid beside you. The sheets had slipped down and revealed his toned chest, and you couldn’t help but admire his naked form.

Stop it! Your gaze flickered back to the ceiling as your thoughts went back to yesterday.

***

The assignment that was given to you proved to be everything else than you possibly could’ve imagined. Silently, you walked behind Negan through the corridors of a large house until he stopped outside a room that looked like it once had been a bar in a Gentleman’s club. Inside the room sat a dozen of women or so, drinking and chatting amongst each other.

“New wife, meet the old wives.” Negan motioned towards the women who had stopped talking and now was looking at your utterly confused and horrified state. Was he married to all of them?! Sleeping with all of them?!

“W-What?” you asked and despised the jealous tone in your voice. How could you be jealous? You hated this man! You hate him! Hate him!!! Those words repeated themselves like a mantra in your mind, and you weren’t sure if you tried to convince yourself or if it spoke the truth.

Negan chuckled and looped his arm around your waist. You immediately tensed when he pulled you closer to him, “Oh, Princess, no need to be jealous.” He leant down to your ear and whispered, “You’re my favorite.”

His raspy voice prickled your skin, and you closed your eyes as you inhaled deeply before looking at him, “I’m not jealous. You killed my friends; I feel nothing but hate for you.” You were surprised how steady your voice sounded.

Negan’s smirk dropped to an angry glare, and your heartbeat quickened. If there was one thing you had learned about him, was that his temper could flip on a dime and you could never know his next actions. You jumped when he suddenly laughed.

“Really?! You’re going with that approach?” Negan grasped your chin and tilted it upwards; his nose only inches from yours, and he licked his lips as his brown gaze dropped to your mouth, “Well, mmm mmm mmm, the more fun for me. I`m gonna have a sweet fucking time, breaking you in, girl.”

Those words made you crimson red, but you refused to avert your gaze from his. Negan studied your face with delight. “You sure are a feisty little one! Yes, I’ll have a splendid time with you. Yes, sir! But that’s for later,” he expressed and let go of your chin before turning to his other wives, “Now, dear wives, take good care of this little Princess here.”

Two of the women hurried towards you and took your hands with encouraging smiles. You smiled shakily back and let them lead you into the room. Never had you felt more nervous and terrified in your whole life. Even the dead sounded more welcoming at the moment. Negan left with one of his usual mockings and swearings, and you found yourself being dragged to the bar. Soon you had a drink in your hand and were surrounded by women who chatted eagerly amongst each other and asked you all sorts of questions. Af first you sat there dumbstruck about the ridiculous situation you had ended up in, but these women seemed friendly enough, and it didn’t take long for you to relax a bit, perhaps the drink had something to do with it as well, but at this point, you didn`t care. You hadn`t felt this relax in years, so you decided, what better way than to embrace it? That was until one of the women approached you after all the big fuzz had calmed down and you seemed just to be one of the women in the crowd. This woman with long, blonde hair and a slim body tucked inside a tight black dress very much like your own, sat down next to you at the bar and gave you a sly smirk.

“You better enjoy this while you can,” she said and pursed her lips.

You frowned, “Excuse me?”

The woman took a sip of her drink, “You think you’ll be his favorite forever?” Her eyes travelled down your body before she met your gaze, “Soon he’ll find a new one and you`ll be kicked out of his place just like that. Who do you think was laying comfortable in his bed when he brought you here?”

You stared at the woman before you huffed and turned your head away, “Good, I don’t even wanna be there. I hate him, despise him with everything I have, so the sooner I get out of there, the better.”

The woman started laughing, “That’s funny! You keep telling yourself that, but from the look on his face when you walked through that door, I say he`s already had you crawling at his feet.” She left with a smirk on her face, and you gawked at her.

“Who is that?” you asked another girl sitting beside you.

“Oh, that? That´s Sarah, his latest wife before you. Don’t let her get to you; she is just jealous. I think she is the only one who actually enjoys being Negan`s wife. But now, when you’re here, she got kicked out on her ass, I mean literally in her underwear in the middle of the night when Negan brought you here. So I guess she is a little pissed at you right now. But don’t worry, it will pass, I’m sure.”

Your eyes widened as the girl spoke and then you looked over at Sarah again, who was looking back at you with nothing but contempt in her eyes. You got a feeling that she wouldn’t let this go so easily.

***

You were brought back from your thoughts when Negan stirred under the sheets beside you and his arm moved away from your waist. You watched him cautiously for a moment. Then your gaze flickered over to his bat that was perched against the nightstand and your thoughts started running wild. This was your chance! Lucille was standing there, right next to him. All you had to do was grab it and smash his head in. Nervously, you chewed your lip. You were certain, that once he was dead, none of the so-called Saviours, would retaliate. They would most likely be relieved to be rid of their tyrant leader. 

Your thoughts went briefly back to yesterday again, to the moment when you had submitted so easily to his dominance. His charisma and charm had reeled you right in, and despite the sickening feeling in your gut, you had never felt more aroused and desirable in your whole life. You hated yourself for that, but more importantly, you hated him.

Once again, you turned your head but this time you studied his face. He looked strangely peaceful and almost kind with his lips slightly parted as he was snoozing calmly. You wondered what kind of a man he had been before this world turned to shit. Had he been a loving and wonderful family man? What did it take for a man to become this evil? There must be a part of him that was evil before all of this? It was hard to believe that a completely good and kind man could turn into this monster that could kill so easily and without remorse. Even if that turned out to be the truth, he was still a monster and an evil man. So what was there to think about? This was your chance. It was now or never!

As silently as you could, you crawled out of bed and tiptoed barefoot around to the other side. Breathless, you glanced over at him, but he laid as peaceful as before, and you bit down on your lip as your gaze turned to the bat. You wrapped your trembling fingers around Lucille and lifted her up.

“Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me, Princess!”

You jumped high and dropped the bat to the floor with a thud. Your whole body was shaking when you looked at Negan when he sat up in the bed, and you squealed when he dragged you down onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close, with your arm against his chest.

“What the fuck am I going to do with you, huh?” he murmured in your ear, and you swallowed thickly as his hand travelled up your body and firmly wrapped around your throat. Negan sighed, “You know very fucking much, that I can’t let you get away with this.”

“P-Please, Sir, I`m so sorry,” you whispered and looked into his brown orbs with tear filled eyes, “Please forgive me.”

Negan smirked, pleased how you remembered to call him Sir, “I don’t know if I can do that, Princess.” He shook his head slowly.

“Please, there has to be…” you hesitated and chewed on your lip as you gaze fell, “there must be something…I can do?” Those last words came out barely as a whisper, and you couldn`t believe you were about to find yourself in the same situation as yesterday. Negan chuckled and slowly caressed your collarbone with light fingers, causing a shiver to run down your skin.

“Maybe there is.” His hot breaths stripped your ear, and you shuddered, your eyes closing when he slipped the straps on your nightgown off of your shoulders and exposed your breasts to his hungry eyes.

“I fucking love your tits,” he growled deeply and cupped one of your breasts in his left hand, squeezed it hard and rough and a soft moan escaped your lips.

“Oh, you like that, do you?” He smirked, but you didn’t give him an answer, just clamped your lips tightly together with a deep blush painting your cheeks as you still held your eyes closed. God, how you hated him!

Negan pushed your upper body down, so you laid across his lap with your head on the bed and then his hand slowly caressed the smooth skin on your belly. When you felt his wet tongue lick on your nipple, you couldn’t keep the moan from leaving, and your eyes snapped open. To your total horror, you felt your arousal wetting your panties and felt mortified about your body’s response. Negan’s hand found the heat between your legs, and he chuckled around your hard bud when you gasped and bucked your hips against his palm.

“Fuck, you’re fucking wet, woman! Yeah, you fucking like it alright,” he snickered and removed his hand before pushing you of his lap and down onto the bed. You gasped from the impact and stared at him while he pulled down his boxers and let his erect cock out with a bounce.

“Now, get your fucking ass down on the fucking floor and suck the fuck out of me!” he hollered and glared at you. You couldn’t do much but stare back at him. Although you started to get used to his flickering mood, it still caught you off guard.

Negan sighed heavily, “What the fuck is your problem, Princess?” He grabbed your arm and pushed you down on the floor between his parted legs, “Now, do your fucking thing!”

You winced from the pain in your knees but swallowed the whimper that was about to leave your lips, feeling the urge to keep some of your pride intact. At least he wouldn’t get the enjoyment of seeing your pain and suffering. You just grabbed his dick and looked him dead in the eyes as you took it into your mouth. As you started bobbing your head, you briefly thought about biting down on him, but those fantasies vanished when his grunts and moans reached your ear, sending waves of heat down between your legs.

Once again, he came quickly down your throat and then left you there to take a shower. You sat quietly on the bed, curled up with your arms around your legs and cried silently with an empty feeling inside of you as your gaze lingered on his bat while you listened to the sound of his whistling.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life in the Sanctuary is getting hard to live, but the toughest part is your attraction to Negan.

The light in your heart was slowly fading away, darkness soon holding its place. It vanished a little more every day you spent in the Sanctuary, with every night spent by Negan’s side. The worst part of it all, was that it wasn’t because you were missing your murdered friend, or that you longed to be free. To be out there, amongst the walkers, and live every day at the brink of death. No, the worst part was the fact that you had almost become desperate for Negan’s touch. A month had went by since your arrival to the Sanctuary, and he hadn’t had sex with you yet. And you hated how much you wanted for that to happen. You hated the way your body ached with desire for this man, how every time he made you suck him off, your arousal soaked down your panties and you quivered in despair when he didn’t touch you.

The worst nights was when he came home late at night, with a big grin on his face, whistling a happy tune and the scent of perfume lingering on his skin. Slowly over the weeks you came to recognise which perfume belonged to which wife and every time the jealousy burning in your heart drowned you further into darkness.

Negan’s words still lingered on somewhere in the back of your mind _“I’m gonna have a fun time, breaking you in…”_ and that part of you knew that he was probably just playing with you, teasing you until you were begging at his feet. But your body was betraying your mind, refusing to listen to common sense, as the images of Negan touching you displayed itself, like a mirage. Soon it was all that filled your mind. 

Shit! You leaned your head back against the  couch and sighed as you stared up on the ceiling. You were actually jealous?! Fuck! You buried your face in your hands. No, no, no! This couldn’t be happening! Shit, shit, shit! Rushing to your feet, you went over to the small kitchen and opened the cabinet where you knew he had a bottle of whiskey. You grabbed it and slammed it down on the counter, contemplating whether to opening it or not as you stared at the amber liquid. 

“Fuck this!” You opened the bottle and didn’t  even bother to get a glass as you took a mouthful with a grimace. You really hated whiskey but God knows, you needed it right now. Another sip turned into several and it wasn’t long until you felt the pleasant dizziness clouding your brain. It was nice for a change, feeling numbed and emotionless, and that night you didn’t even hear when Negan got home and crawled into bed. You didn’t notice him running his fingers through your hair and brushing it up against his nose, inhaling its sweet scent and you didn’t notice the concern in his eyes when he smelled the alcohol on you. If you had, you might have gotten the silly idea that he actually cared. 

Life had become a routine for you at the Sanctuary. Nothing ever changed and you started to feel like you were part of that old movie with Bill Murray, Groundhog Day, where the same day repeated itself over and over again. After a shower and breakfast, you always went over to the house to spend the day with Negan’s other wives, which was the most boring thing you ever experienced and you couldn’t for your life understand why he forced all of you to hang out. But you eventually figured that the creep probably wanted to feel like he had a proper harem or something. The only thing missing was the belly dancing and petite little outfits. 

On the way back to the apartment, you always ended up standing on the balcony on the building across the fenced pen, where Negan had all his walkers. You stood there for a while, listening to their guttural groans and inhaling the scent of rotten corpse. Sometimes you envied them, envied their lack of emotions and mindless life and sometimes you even wondered if they weren’t the lucky ones in this slowly decaying world. What happiness did this world even had to offer anymore?

You use to study the humans being forced to be inside there with the dead, wondering who they were before all this shit happened, what kind of lives they had lived. Did they have a family once? The whole - two children, a dog and white picket fence - thing? Sometimes you even envied them as well, because at least they had the strength to stand up against Negan. They weren’t weak like you, they didn’t get along with everything he said. 

This day you noticed a new guy out there and he seemed different than the others, more determined and defiant. Strands of his dark, half long hair fell over his face and dirt covered his skin, much like the other humans inside there. At one time, he looked up to you but he was too far away for you to see him properly. The man in the brown overall, marked with an A, seemed to study you for a while, before his attention was drawn back to the walkers surrounding him and you walked away, wondering why he had watched you so intensely. 

The evening came sooner than you hoped and you dreaded for when Negan would come home. Perched on the couch, you sat in a t-shirt and panties with the bottle of whiskey in your hand when he walked through the door with Lucille tossed over his shoulder and a grim expression on his face. Didn’t he get his fuck tonight? you wondered and loathed the hope in your heart. 

“Fuck, Princess. You’re going to drink me out of the fucking house.” He yanked the bottle out of your hand and shuffled it across the counter before placing Lucille on a chair. 

“Hey! What the fuck, Negan!” you yelled, slightly sluggish and rose to your feet, quickly charging after the bottle but were stopped by Negan’s arm around your waist. 

“No, no, fucking hell no,” he whispered in your ear, “What the fuck kind of language is that for a lady to have? Hmh?” 

You struggled against his strong hold and turned your head to give him a glare, “Fuck you, Negan!” 

His loud chuckle vibrated against the nape of your neck , “Oh, you’re just asking for it now, Princess.” He walked backwards with your back against his chest until he plopped down on the couch. Your futiles screams and struggles died out in his strong arms, and you only sat in his lap with a calm anger boiling in your veins. 

“Good girl. Now, how about putting that fucking filthy mouth of yours to better use?” He pushed you down on your knees, with you facing him, and grinned as he unfastened his jeans and pulled out his swelling cock. The bastard was already rock hard.

“No.” Your eyes widened and you kept your gaze down, not wanting to show how much your own words surprised you. 

Negan’s grin fell and he stared down at you, both in anger and surprise. His little game was supposed to make you beg for him, not resist him! Maybe he had underestimated you?

“What the fuck did you say?” he grabbed a hold of your neck and leaned down, his face only inches from yours. “Tell me, I didn’t fucking hear you right.” 

Wincing from the pain, you closed your eyes and inhaled slowly. There was no turning back now, was it? 

“I said no.” Your voice was barely audible but you knew he heard, you saw it in his burning gaze when you finally looked up at him. Where you got the strength to stand up against him you didn’t know. Or perhaps it wasn’t strength? Perhaps it was something else, some longing deep inside of you? 

Negan watched your trembling form beneath his fingers and his strong grip grew weaker. Was he really going to go there? He always preached to his men about the importance of the women saying yes. So was he really going to break his own fucking rules? He couldn’t think about it further when the sound of your quiet sobs reached his ears and his face softened when he saw your tears filled eyes. He fucking hated seeing women cry. 

“Hey, hey…come here.” Negan pulled you up in his embrace, gently stroking your hair as you straddle his lap and pressed your face into his chest. You hated the way you clutched so desperately to his leather jacket, making you feel weak once more. But you hated your next words even more. 

“Please Negan…make love to me,” you whispered against the leather underneath you and regretted it instantly. But you needed to feel the warmth of another human against your skin. You needed to feel that maybe there was a place for love in this new world after all. Even if it was from the devil himself. You felt his body tense at your words and heard his heart beat faster against your cheek. Or was it only your imagination? 

“I don`t do love, Princess.” He had once, a long time ago. But not ever again, he had promised himself to never have that weakness again. 

“Then pretend…please….” Your own words betrayed you but at this point you didn’t even care. 

Negan raised an eyebrow as he studied your curled up body in his arms and all of the sudden you seemed so fragile. That defiant woman minutes ago was gone, hiding somewhere underneath your weakened mind and for once in his life, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t give you a mocking remark in return. Negan sighed before grabbing your arms and pulled you up to a sitting position. 

Breathless, you stared into his dark, chocolaty pools as he cupped your face and your heart beat faster when he leaned into your lips to seize your mouth in a tender kiss. A shiver prickled your skin when his tongue gently ran along your lower lip and you parted your lips with a moan as your hands enclosed around his neck and your tongues met in a passionate dance. The feeling of something hard between your legs made you gasp and you remembered that his pants and underwear were already down. Slowly, you rocked your hips against Negan’s erection and felt his muffled groan vibrate against your lips, encouraging you further. Your hand moved down to encircle his thick hardness and you started stroking it in a slow pace. Another moan and Negan pulled away from your lips before pushing your hand away so he could lift your t-shirt over your head and toss it onto the floor. His dark, dilated orbs was fixated on your naked breasts and you could feel yourself blush from the intensity of his gaze. 

Negan licked his lips with a smirk, “I never get enough of your fucking tits,” he declared and raised his hands to gently massage them, his thumbs flicking over your hard nipples, making you gasp and moan. Suddenly, he lifted you up with him from the couch and you wrapped your legs around his waist as he carried you to the bed. There, he laid you down on the soft sheets and you watched with staggering heartbeats as Negan stood at the foot of the bed, slowly peeling layer of layer off his body and soon he stood naked before you, with his swollen cock throbbing proudly. 

God, why did he have to be so beautiful?

Negan leaned down over your body, hovering over you as he left kisses on the spot between your breasts. Gasping, you ran your fingers through his hair as he moved down over your belly and you could feel your arousal soaking your panties as waves of heat flooded your body and pooled between your thighs. 

The feeling of Negan’s beard scratching your inner thighs made your whole body shiver and your pussy pulsate with arousing need to be filled. Negan chuckled and slowly slid down your panties over your hips, along your thighs and then off your feet. He spread your legs apart, exposing you to him and he growled upon seeing your dripping pussy. 

“Fuck girl, look at your wet little pussy.” Blushing, you watched him through half lidded eyes as he licked his bottom lip before grabbing your thighs, bending them upwards and lowering himself between your legs, licking a stripe along your slit with his wet tongue. 

“Oh, Negan,” you moaned and grabbed his head to pull him closer. His chuckle vibrated against your clit as he sucked on it hard and your entire body jolted from a pleasure you hadn’t felt in years, except from your own hands, but that was nothing compared to the waves of heat that rushed through you now. Negan lapped at your hungry pussy, making you pant and squirm underneath his mouth. Then he pushed his tongue into you, moving in and out of your tight hole and it wasn’t long until your starving body combusted into orgasm, and your hips thrusted against his face when you came hard with cries of pleasure escaping your lips. 

Negan crawled up over your body and entered you in one deep lunge forward as your climax still rippled through your body and you gasped as he filled you completely. You wrapped your legs around his narrow hips to meet every one of his thrusts and you could feel it wouldn’t take long for you to come again. So long had it been since you felt the warmth of another human against your skin, so long since you felt the pleasant dizziness of an orgasm cloud your mind and you would do anything to escape the reality of this world, if only for a moment. As Negan leaned down to kiss your neck, you grasped his shoulders tightly and clenched around his cock as you came with a silent groan. He thrusted through your orgasm and then snapped his hips with a deep growl, emptying himself into your quivering heat before his exhausted body pressed you down onto the mattress. 

As your clouded mind and pounding heartbeats slowly came back, you gently ran your fingers across Negan’s back and sighed. You could feel him tensing and then pull away from your embrace to sit up with his legs over the edge of the bed, without as much as a glance at you and you felt something swirl deep inside your gut. Was it disappointment you felt? You couldn’t tell, all you knew was that it made you feel sick to your stomach. 

“Was that what you wanted? Are you fucking happy now?” Negan snarled before he stood up and you watched with a fading heart as he walked into the bathroom. Heartbroken and filled with nothing but darkness, you turned around and curled up on the bed, your arms wrapped around your legs as you cried quietly. No, this wasn’t what you wanted at all.  

Negan ground his jaw tightly as he stood in front of the mirror, watching his own reflection with a growing hate. Fuck it! He had fucking promised himself! Never again! But here he was, all weak and vulnerable again. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as determination filled him to the core and he silently promised himself to remove all things that undermined him. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get kicked out of Negan’s place and find a friend in Simon. But what will Negan think of your new friendship?

It only took a day and you were kicked out of Negan’s place, discarded like a piece of trash. He didn't even have the decency to face you; you came home after spending another day with the other wives, only to find a bag outside his door containing all of your stuff. Not a note, not anything, but you got the message. It was clear as day, but what you couldn’t grasp was why. You couldn’t for your life understand what you had done wrong. All you ever did was give yourself to him, and as much as you hated admitting it, love him. 

A crippling mix of anger and sorrow seared through you, tearing at your chest as tears filled your eyes. You grabbed the bag with a sob and rushed out of there. 

Aimlessly, you walked around the Sanctuary with a shadow cloaked over your eyes, the former anger and sorrow you felt replaced with a paralysing darkness. 

“ Y/N? Are you okay?” 

Startled, you looked up to be met by Simon’s worried, brown eyes and you gave him a faint smile, gently chewing on your bottom lip. 

“Yeah, I'm alright.” Your voice was only a whisper and Simon frowned. 

“No, you’re not. What happened?” Simon asked and placed his hand on your shoulder. That's when he noticed your bag. “Shit!...has he...found a new girl?” Simon examined your fragile state and ground his teeth together. The two of you had only said a word or two to each other, but Simon had noticed your kind eyes straight away, thinking how you were too good, too pure for Negan and he knew you would end up with a broken heart. 

“I...I don't know,” you croaked and finally broke apart, crashing into Simon’s chest, desperately clutching at his shirt as you sobbed. Wide-eyed, Simon stared at you, his hands hanging in the air in shock before coming around and wrapping his strong arm around your shaking form. 

The two of stood there in what felt like an eternity and slowly you calmed down, sobs turning into silent tears trickling down your cheeks. For the first time in months, years even, you felt safe. Like nothing in the world could hurt you ever again. A shaky sigh left your lungs, and Simon glanced down at your smaller form pressed against him, and a warmth filled his chest. 

No! Simon shrugged the feeling away quickly. He couldn’t let himself feel for you this way. It was forbidden, against the rules. He cleared his throat and gently placed his hands on your shoulders, pushing you away so he could look into your eyes. 

“Do you have a place to stay?” 

Shaking your head, your sad gaze fell to the ground, and Simon sighed. “You can stay at my place for tonight, but you need to be out by tomorrow, so Negan won't…” His voice trailed off, and he caught your gaze for a second before turning away. “I know a few empty rooms in one of the houses. I help you get settled in there tomorrow.” 

Staring at the man, you felt a sudden warmth reach your heart, one you hadn't felt in ages and you could almost sense light flicker to life inside you once more. “Why are you so kind to me?” you whispered, looking up at the taller man with round, questioning eyes. “We don't even know each other.” 

Simon shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. Guess I'm a softy for crying girls,” he joked with a smile, his orbs sparkling with mischief and you giggled, surprising yourself with the sound coming from your mouth. When was the last time you laughed like this? You couldn’t even remember. Probably with your friends. The ones Negan killed…

“Thank you, Simon.” You placed a hand on his lower arm as you met his gaze. “You're too kind. I don't deserve such kindness…” You lowered your head and had to bite your lip to prevent the sob that floated underneath the surface. 

“Hey, don't say that.” Simon put his hands on your shoulders again. “Y/N, look at me.” You did as he asked, gazing into his brown colored eyes, so similar to Negan's, and yet so very different. Where Negan had wickedness and rage, Simon had kindness and gentleness, sympathy even. Something that Negan would never have. 

“Don’t blame yourself, Y/N. I know what kind of man Negan is. The effect he has on women...I've seen it before, so many times.” His orbs pierced into yours now, with determination. “This is all down to him, not you. There is something very wrong inside of him, something broken that can't be fixed. Not by anyone. Do you understand this?” he asked, knowing that the loving heart inside of you was one that always sought to heal the wounded, to fix everyone's problems but their own. And such a heart would always end up broken itself. And Simon had the strong feeling that it might be too late even for you. 

You nodded your head slowly but was too weak to take his words to your heart. Simon saw it in your eyes, but let it be for now. It would take a long time for your heart to heal, for all he knew, it could take a lifetime. 

“Come. It's late, and you need some sleep.” Simon grabbed your bag, and you followed close behind him. At Simon’s apartment, you settled down on his couch where he left you a pillow and a blanket before he said goodnight and went inside his bedroom. Laying down, you stared at the white ceiling, examining every crack in the paint as the lack of sleep slowly drove you mad, and you felt the burning tears swell in your eyes again. You couldn’t take it anymore, the dark loneliness dwelling in your heart. Chewing on your inner lip, you glanced over at Simon’s door. You just needed to feel a little bit of warmth, of safety. 

Silently, you opened his bedroom door and walked inside on careful feet. Simon grunted as you slipped under the cover, snuggling your cold body up against his warm one. 

“Y/N? What are you doing?” Simon murmured sluggishly when he felt your hands on his bare chest, causing his muscles to contract under your touch. You didn't answer, only pressed your body tighter against his. 

“This isn't a good idea,” he warned in a whisper. 

“I don't care,” you whispered back. “I just wanna feel safe. And you make me feel safe, Simon.” 

Simon held his breath, your words filling him with things he couldn't feel, that he wasn’t allowed to feel. He knew the punishment for involving with one of Negan’s wives. But right now, he didn’t care about that. All he cared about was making you feel safe, to warm your shivering body. Simon hugged you closer, looping his arm around you and listened as your breathing became slower, your head resting heavier against his chest and he dared to brush a kiss against your hair.  
The kiss was unnoticed by you; sleep had already found its way to your tired body by the time his lips touched you and that night you slept heavier than you had since the outbreak started as safety finally found a place in your heart. 

***

Time in the Sanctuary went by faster than ever before, days turning to weeks and your friendship with Simon grew deeper with each passing day. Negan hadn’t said a single word to you since the two of you had sex, and he even had the nerve to send Sarah to let you know you weren’t his wife anymore. She came the day after you were kicked out and the mocking tone of her voice and the contempt sparkle in her eyes made you cringe. 

“I'm living with Negan again, and he's never been more satisfied,” she remarked with a smirk, and you gave her a disdainful glance in return. 

“Good. I hope you're happy together. You two deserve each other,” was all you said before turning your back to her and walking away, seemingly unbothered by her words, but deep inside you were breaking apart. 

***

Negan had watched you and Simon for some time now, studied how the two of you laughed together and enjoyed each other's company. Negan saw the sparkle of happiness in your eyes, one that he had never seen before and he hated that it wasn’t him who brought such joy to your beautiful face. And for Simon to betray him like this...One of his closest men! He thought Simon knew the fucking rules around here! No fucking screwing around with his wives! The fact that you weren't his wife anymore seemed to slip Negan’s mind when jealously bottled up inside of him. It was time to show the fucking God damn rules around here! 

***

It was nearing sundown on a warm summer day when you knocked on Simon’s door with a smile on your face. But it fell when the door opened, and you stared into the dark eyes of Negan. Your gaze fluttered down and caught the sight of Simon kneeling on the floor, his face beaten bloody and panic rose inside of you as fear shattered your heart. 

“Simon!” You plunged forward, but Negan stopped you in an instant, grabbing your arms roughly and chuckled as he licked his bottom lip. 

“No, no fucking hell no!” He seized your jaw and drilled his orbs into yours. “There will be no more fucking things like that anymore! It's about time you two learned your fucking lesson!” 

You fluttered your eyes, “W-What do you mean?” 

Negan grinned toothily, “Oh, Princess...you know exactly what I mean.” 

He motioned for his men to grab Simon before pulling you with him as he walked out of Simon’s apartment, slowly sauntering down the streets with a low whistle. You struggled in his hard grip and glanced back now and then at Simon, who had an emotionless expression displayed on his face. 

Simon knew what was coming, he knew it all too well and the worst part of it all, was the obliviousness he saw in your eyes. 

You looked back at Negan, a pleading beg coaxing your eyes. “Please Negan, I don't understand...why are you doing the -” Your words fell silent when you saw the barn hovering over you like a menace, and you swallowed thickly as you glanced upon Negan again. There was no amusement in his brown orbs anymore. Just the harsh reality. 

“Please, Negan. I...“ you begged again, but he shot you an angry glare, silencing your lips shut. 

“Shut the fuck up, Princess or I swear to fucking God…” He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly before looking back at you. “Just stay quiet and take your fucking punishment. That's all. Then we can go on with our merry ways.” 

“But I…” Once again, his raging eyes burned into you, and you clamped your lips tightly together as you were lead inside the barn by Negan’s forceful hands. Your heart pounded painfully against your chest when the sounds of cheers could be heard from inside, and your staggering breaths threatened to burst out of your lungs. Simon was tossed down on the chair on the middle of the room, and you watched with horror as Negan picked up the iron with a big grin curling his lips. 

“You know the fucking rules, Simon. So why the fuck did you have to break them? Hmh?” 

Simon remained silent and turned his head to the side, ignoring Negan and avoiding your confused gaze at all cost. Why didn't he say anything? Why didn’t he say that it was all a terrible mistake? That nothing was going on between you two. 

Negan sighed and shook his head, “Fine, if this is the fucking way you want it.” He raised his arm, and you stared as everything seemed to happen in slow motion. 

“No, please Negan!” you shouted as he lowered his arm, aiming for Simon’s face, and you moved on instinct, grabbing his arm as you got in front of Simon, looking steadily into Negan’s eyes. “You need to listen to me, Negan. Nothing is going on between us. Nothing,” you proclaimed firmly. “We're just friends.” 

Negan stared back at you for a flickering second before he chuckled and lowered his arm. Blinking, you let go of your grip as worry gnawed at you. What the hell was so funny? 

“Oh, shit Princess. Are you really that clueless? Have you seen the way he looks at you?” Negan motioned towards Simon, and you followed his gaze with furrowed eyebrows. 

“Take a good fucking look at him.” 

You did. Simon’s head hung heavily in the air, still avoiding your gaze. “Simon?...” Nothing, only a gentle tug on his lips. “Simon...please look at me.” 

Finally, he did, and you saw it. For the first time you saw the familiar sadness in his eyes, the very same you saw every time you looked into the mirror and the light that Simon awoke in your heart was ripped out in an instant. The realisation that you could cause that very same pain that Negan brought upon you...it tore your very soul apart. Your eyes welled with tears as you beheld the man whose heart you had shattered, and you ran. Faster than ever, as if you tried to run from the tearing feelings inside of you. But how fast you ran, there was no escaping the darkness that slowly consumed you from the inside, and soon you heard the grunts from the undead as you had ended up outside the fenced pen 

Standing outside the fence, you watched the undead with hollow eyes, the burn mark on in your palm now painless compared to the pain in your heart and all you wanted was to get rid of these scorching feelings inside of you, which caused you nothing but misery. Why were you even alive anymore? When all you did was hurt people? Simon...Tears formed in your eyes. How could you've been so blind? So stupid? Were you that blindsided by your feelings for Negan, that you couldn’t see anything else? You gripped the steel fence tightly, clenching your fist until your knuckles turned white. This wasn't the way you wanted to live your life. To be drowning into the depths of your love for someone who could never love you back. And as much as you wanted to, you couldn’t force yourself to be with someone you didn’t love back, not in the way Simon loved you anyway. Even if he was the kindest, most caring man in the Sanctuary. 

Your gaze drifted off to the meat puppets and the humans that they surrendered. That man that’s been there weeks ago was gone, and you wondered briefly if he was still alive here somewhere. Or was he one of the lucky ones to escape this hell on earth? Well, that didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. 

Slowly, you walked over to the wicket gate and opened it. There was no hesitation, no regrets inside you anymore. This was the only way. Numbness infused your body as you approached the dead, nothing but emptiness filling your core and you watched with lifeless eyes as the undead turned their attention to you. Their grunts and smell of rotten, decaying flesh crawled underneath your skin, twisting your stomach but you ignored it and continued towards them. The shouts from the humans couldn’t reach your apathetic mind, and their restraints prevented them from stopping you. All you wanted at this moment was for the world to be silent at last, to be free of all these human feelings. 

A flicker of words found its way to you, a silent whisper in the wind and you knitted your eyebrows. What was it that disturbed your way to paradise? Couldn’t you just be allowed to go peacefully? To disappear from the world that wasn’t your world anymore? That wasn't the world you had been born into, not the one you wanted to raise a family in. You just wanted to be gone. 

“Why can't you just let me go?” you whispered to the world and looked straight into the empty eyes of a rotten walker. Closing your eyes, you surrendered and waited for the pain to suffuse your entire being. But you were pulled away in an instant, dragged out of the compound and pushed into a couple of strong arms you would recognise everywhere. 

“Because I fucking love you, Y/N” Negan murmured against your hair as he held your head tightly against his chest. “I will never let go of you again, Princess.” 

You wanted to scream at him, to get out of his devouring embrace and run into the endless freedom, but you couldn’t. Not when he spoke those words you so desperately yearned to hear from his lips. So you finally let yourself fall apart, clenching your fist into the soft fabric of his shirt as tears rolled down your cheeks. 

“Come, sweetheart. Let's take you home where you belong.” Negan lifted you up in his arms, and you wrapped your arms around him, burying your face into the curve of his neck with a shaky breath and a warm smile. You would always be where you belonged as long as you were in the arms of Negan.


End file.
